Thoughts in the Air

Flying to Chicago the clouds they look like Heaven. I can see and even feel God's presence. It is a very amazing experience as I fly through our sky. There are points when cloud is all I can see as if the world below has disappeared. The sun looked like it was mere feet away from me. For so long I have not felt the kind of awe for God and His work. In this moment I wish God would sweep down and put His arms around me.
I almost half expected the world below to look like my maps with the clearly defined shapes of each state. I forget the borders are imaginary.

I am on the cusp of my future with so many paths before me and no real idea of which one I will take. On one is a very safe and secure path of teaching. I know I would be good at it and I do love kids, but that lacks the excitement I yearn for. Another is working in youth ministry. This would seem to be the "right" answer but I don't know if it is for me--if that is my calling. The third path I am truly looking at is television--hopefully directing a show like the Colbert or Stewart shows. This has the excitement I seek but a lot of unsureness and insecurity surrounds this option. One of my biggests fears is no man will want to date or marry a woman in a field such as that. So I would either wait much longer to find someone or even forego that part of my life and would I be okay with that? I don't know. I would have to trust God a lot more to follow this path. I would feel a lot more blind than I would down other paths. If I do accept this path, I must close off my heart while here at Baylor to the thought of dating-- again a very scary thought. I have always wanted someone I could share my life with. This dream of directing is new and how sure am I that I would like it? I hope to find answers soon...God Willing. I always assumed I would date in college yet that has not happened. Is that God's doing? Does he know he could lose me to another heartbreak? I wish I could be stronger in my faith than I am sometimes it seems I doubt--though i feel silly doubting. It seems there could be something that knocks me off this path and somtiems I wonder if I am on the path.
"My Chains are gone, I have been set free" does not always feel that way to me. I feel more bogged down than ever before. I really liked Andrew and either I blew it or it wasn't meant to be. I will never know--except for the fact that some believe if its the one--you can't mess it up--I don't know what I think. It seemed good though now he is acting like a jerk. I wish he would just explain. That was a side note. I miss Kim McElhany. A LOT. I miss Landi. A LOT. I will miss Heather and Cody. and Kate. Sometimes I wish Cody was mine and not hers. I know however she is perfect for him and he is perfect for her. I just want my "Cody". The guy meant for me--that makes me happy, but even more so that I make happy. I want to serve someone without a lot of boundaries.
That is all I wrote on the plane.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got off the plane, met my uncle at the gate, got on a train, then a bus, dropped my stuff off and went to this amazing place for Thai food.