...when you lose something you can't replace."
---- Fix You, Coldplay
Today was a great day. A day focused on the good as Iris Murdoch might say.
I started my day with my counseling session with Jenny. This time has become a pivotal point in my week. She is so helpful in discerning my life and personal growth.
Today's session focused on two relationships in my life that I would deem "unhealthy": Dr. Henry and Matthew Fransted.
First, Dr. Henry. I respect him, and truly wish this relationship weren't the way that it was. As it it, the way he makes me feel about myself... makes me think he doesn't believe in me. I know that he does, but as I described in my session today, his belief in me must be quite small if it doesn't come across in his interactions with me. He can't hold a conversation with me. Not for anything. He can with Emily Rodgers, Jennifer Atwood... pretty much anyone else in the college. Just not me. Doesn't even seem to try or want to. I can hold conversation. I can even hold conversation with Great Text Professors other than Dr. Henry. Dr. Candler and Dr. Weaver seem to do just fine around me. I just don't get it. It seems like since becoming his nanny, our interactions have gotten worse when I expected them to get better.
Second, Matt. I have known Matt since I was 15. We met at my first job--The Ballpark in Arlington. He asked me to be his girlfriend and even though I didn't want to, I said yes. I quickly came up with an excuse to break up with him when he told someone else about us dating after I said to keep it secret. It was lame of me I know, but he fulfilled a need in me to be desired by a boy... and he still does. He pops back into my life on occasion after being really lonely and hopes to push our friendship to a different level... an unhealthy level. Anyway, I did let him know that he and I would NEVER happen. Ever. And he seemed to understand.
I really wish I could keep growing exponentially, but I am afraid as it is in calculus, that my growth will eventually begin to level out and top off with each increase smaller than the previous.
I got to give Brian his birthday present today. He gave me a high five, a side hug and another high five. It was a good gift. It was such a joy to give it to him for sure. I loved it. I love him and Sue. I guess you've (the internet or my 2 readers) know that by now, but i just sometimes feel the overwhelming desire to say it on here, maybe because I don't get to verbalize it much with them. Maybe I should.
I did email Frank today. He said he is still there for me even if I hadn't felt like he was. It was good to hear. I really hope that he is doing well. He has had such an impact on my life. I'll never forget him.
Already finished my great text reading for tomorrow. All that is left is my religion reading.
"Lights will guide you home,
And I will try
To Fix You."
---- Fix You, Coldplay.
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