After the End comes Introspection

Yesterday was the big day that Anson and I called it quits. Really, in the history books he will get full credit for ending the relationship, but I was on the path to ending it as well, so it feels more mutual than it was in his mind. None of that matters. The fact is that the relationship is no more. All the things that worried me in the beginning came to be the problem in the end. I now can learn from this and move on.

First, the reaction I am having to the end of this relationship makes me wonder if I am going to be capable of really opening my heart to any guy after Scott and Jeff tore it apart. Is there anything really left for a romantic interest? I don't feel like my heart was in this relationship because when push came to shove, I didn't want to fight for it. But that could also be me growing up. With Lachlan, Scott, and Jeff, I always got too emotional and fought too hard during the break up. Maybe I've actually learned that once they've made that decision, there really is no changing it. AND being like that will only turn them off. Then again, I didn't want to hold on to this relationship any longer, so I don't know if I've actually learned or I just don't care enough yet. What if the next guy tries to end it when I'm not ready? Will I go back to my old ways?

We shall see I guess. But not any time soon. I'm really starting to think I just need to wait till I get where I want to be which is Chicago.

Second, I have learned that I do need to be friends first with the guy before dating him. That way I can learn all these things about him without hurting my heart. Also, I need to stick to my standards and not let his be less than mine. When it comes to the spiritual, emotional, and physical part of the relationship especially. Yes, that is all there is, but it is true.