The Truth Comes Out

I felt... I feel so lost at times.

My dad called today. I don't even really know why. I had called him but he didn't answer. But that was days ago. I finally asked him a question that had been in my head. "Why did he drop communication with me after his letter informing me he was in Colorado?" He said he had to walk back to Texas. There is always an excuse from him. I told him, FINALLY, that I can't take him dropping in my life unannounced and whenever he wants. I said he either needs to be in my life or not in it at all. He said he'd have to think about it. Sleep on it. The fact that my own father even has to think about that tells me I'm not going to get the answer every little girl would want. But that's the thing. Really, I need to want him gone, but I'm still so early in my counseling that I can't deny my desire for him to want me. Even with Uncle David and Brian, those two are doing such an incredible job filling the role Paul so quickly abandoned. We'll see what he says tomorrow, if he bothers to call.

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I have been so confused about where I want to go for graduate school. I go back and forth in my mind all the time. I finally know what it is like for someone who likes their parents and doesn't want to be too far away from them. When picking a college, I never got why people wouldn't want to go far away. Or during the semester, when people had to go home because they missed their families. I didn't get it. But now, now that I have the Elliotts, I completely get it. Having them close for support, guidance, and just for themselves-- I can't imagine letting go of that. It was easier to imagine when I thought I was a burden on them, and that they had wished for me to go away. But when Brian mentioned to me the possibility of staying, I knew that wasn't the truth. They like having me around. That is when I got all twisted up inside.

However, can I let go and move away now for just two years... and come back if I need to? God-- I need to hear his voice, but I can't. I drown him out with media--internet, music, tv, movies, I never sit still long enough to hear. Maybe I am scared of what God's answer might be?